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Just in general I have given up today. it seems that my body is just holding on to everything I drink because Ive not eaten anything, and yet I am up to 116 pounds!. So what did I do, well I panicked, I binged and purged twice after that and then I went and freaking did what I advise everyone to not do. I took laxatives. I can actually feel my stomach bubbling away as they start to work there way through my system and this is shit (no pun intended). I have to walk to town tomorow which is a good 40 mins walk and there are no loos on the way. I clearly did not think this out! I just hope that they get done and over with tonight. but I wont feel good about any weight loss because f it, because in all realities I will have just cheated myself and that is honestly going to get me no where.

I was talking to one american guy tonight who said that I could stand to loose another 25 pounds before I can ever be considered as being close to sexy and apparently thats what most american guys think and feel and a lot of uk guys as well. now I know that is stupid, it has to be because my boyfriend loves me very much as I am, and my ex wants me to put on weight, but my head is lodging that in with what the doctor said about me not being skinny enough to go into a recovery programme (not that I really want to anyway) that Ive already started planning how much I want to loose by the end of the weekend and what I will NOT be eating this week which is just about everything. Im so fucked up adn the problem is, I know I will fail at that because my mum is watching my every movement, keeping track of what I eat and dont eat.

Thank fuck for me that she thinks I am no longer chewing and spitting, or binging and purging. she thinks that I am eating my one meal a day and keeping to it. I dont have the heart to tell her otherwise because that would mean a huge row and I dont even want to be living here anywy. it was ok when I was at uni, I didnt have to have food on the brain 24 hours a day, but here I do and there is just no way to escape it. all I can see is thisd buddah belly and I just want to get some scissors and literally cut it off. just go cut cut cut and let it fall to the ground. but its not that easy and it never will be.

Im a failure... I know I am


Lowest I have ever ever weighed... but I feel the fattest that I have ever felt before.

I have failed one, two, three days of this 30 day fast so I shall start again tomorrow and I dont even care about whether people care now. Im too tired to care and I want to break down and cry.

Im fat... and the pictures that the girls post in the groups only make me realize this.
I have thunder thighs and the fat on my ribs is grabable and foldable and there is alot there.


and I dont care what happens now.... as long as that number goes down and I get so small my clothes dont fit anymore.



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March 2011
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