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I'm not even sure how i managed to have myself think that by the morning i would have dropped a pound, but I did and when the scales hadn't moved and they said the same number as they had said yesterday I was disappointed in myself. but I hadn't binged yesterday and I had kept my fast up. All I had had was my liquids, so I kind of made myself feel better because I was sure yesterday that I would fail the fast, that I would slip up because all I could think about was food. Like I was literally laying their on my ed going hmm maybe I could have just one chocolate bar. BUT NO. I didn't give in, and I feel good for not having given in. so ok I may not have lost that magic pound that I was hoping to have lost BUT I proved I do have will power there and if I fast throughout today without binging or slipping up or failing myself, I should have less hunger pangs tomorrow right? Like they fade away slowly as you become use to it. I can can can can do this! see how motivated I am. I have lectures today till 5 and when I get home Ill just distract myself with a book or something. If I can keep myself distracted then I have less chance of failing and it would kill me to see me fail. would just prove I am weak.

I love the fact that my jeans don't fit me and that my belt doesn't fit me, but the belt was too big when I first brought it anyway. Although Im pretty sure that I have an ear infection, again, cause my ear is all gunky and liquid like and Im pretty sure I have a urine infection as Im peeing like every 2 minutes and Im not even drinking enough to need to pee that much. But the constipation seems to be gone for the moment, so I feel less sore, but I feel extremly bloated which is odd. Im hoping the bloatedness is linked to the fast and the intake of juice/water. Yes i am drinking juice because I need to make sure Im having sugars in my body. when I have no sugar my hands shake terribly so I promised myself that I could have like 20 sips of juice a day and I mean sips. how do I measure my sips, easy, I kind of cover the top of the bottle with my tongue and then whatever drips out is my allowance of juice.

Ok I seriously act oddly with this diesease. aghh no wonder Im a single lass. I don't miss my irish ex though. Im glad he's gone from my life. its one less hassle on my plate and it means that I have time to think to myself without him telling me he loves me but he can't be with me. cause thats just cruel and fucked up in all honesty. bah right I need to go brush my teeth sling my hair up and hide in my oversized hoodie.

118

CW: 118
GW for the 28th December: 105

So I decided to be brave and do some before and after photos here.

So these are me at what I think must be 129 pounds



And these are me now at 118 pounds



I actually feel fatter in the second lot of photos... maybe I actually need my eyes checking or something? But that first photo on the second batch (the 118 batch) all I can say is the grabbable fat on my bag and it makes me want to purge my guts up so badly. I actually can not see any difference and it is fustrating me hugely. Grrrr!!!

Seriously... ugh. I think I just became my own motivation to carry on loosing weight? didn't think that was even possible but I shows that taking photos of yourself allows you to see the difference or therefore lack of differecne in your body shape. I am feeling a bit emotional this evening though, tired but awake and restless at the same time. Like I am not really sure what to do with myself. part of me says go study but its 11pm and anything I try to study now will not be remembered.
bah
xxx

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thebutterfly_x
thebutterfly_x

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March 2011
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